Captain Swishy Coat and the Perils of Tax Evasion

Ahoy matey! My name is Captain Swishy Coat, the most fabulous pirate in all the seven seas! With a snazzy jacket that would make a bearded lady swoon, I’m used to getting my way in life. So when someone is somehow immune to my charms, I find myself at a bit of a loss. 

As the best character’s do, I have a tragic backstory of my own. You see, when I was but a wee lad, my favorite aunt’s nephew's mother’s son had a goldfish that died, and had to be thrown away in the trash. I never recovered from this event, and was scarred for life. In the memory of that symbolic goldfish, I cast aside society and took to the water.

Aboard my bedazzled vessel, I plotted and plundered to my heart’s content, or at least, while there were still plots to be plotted and plunder to be plundered. I had taken to my new role with such gusto, that there was now nothing left to plot and plunder.

And so, sadly, I had no choice but to stash my loot and ship until the world had recovered enough for me to resume my mayhem. I got a job at Friar’s Icecream Parlor, where I worked 9 to 5, everyday except for Sunday and Tuesday, for three. Entire. Months. After that, I couldn’t take it anymore, and gave a well rehearced monologue to the lovely lesbian couple from down the street and the afternoon janitor about my intention to return to my seafaring ways. And then, with one last fwish! of my ever-swishy coat, I was off. 

To my dismay, I soon discovered that my jaunty crew had been taken captive by the tax collectors. Turns out we had wracked up quite a debt after all those years. Never fear mateys, Swishy Coat is here!